Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%