me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
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Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?