me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.