me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.