Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

honestly, i need both:

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad