Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.