Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person

Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Not😆🤣

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line