Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
You Might Also Like
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes