Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.