Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
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I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My flabber has been gasted.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭