Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.