Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird