me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]