Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.