Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Cheer up.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

found this cool rock hiking today

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch