Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam