Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.