Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

Same post same

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

I can’t be the only one 😂

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!