Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
It’s on my to-do list.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.