Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Get off my horse you stupid moon

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

ㅤㅤ

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly