Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

i can’t wait that long

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”