Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
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Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah