@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

You Might Also Like

@hermanntrude

Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.

Me: what are you doing?

AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.

Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns

*Shunning intensifies*

@SondraDeeMe

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

@Nickadoo

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

@MelvinofYork

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

@KMoFlo_official

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

@KarenKilgariff

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

@murrman5

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

@offbeatoliv

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

@RoastedPapad

[ Buzzfeed writer becomes a teacher ]

“Kids today we will learn Alphabets. Here are 26 Alphabets that will blow your mind”

@Adam__Melia

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.