ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
No Google it does not
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.