Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

This is my cat’s medicine.

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

😂😂

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Well, that didn’t work.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

I feel seen.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.