Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

A classic…

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.