Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own