Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

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Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.


If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.


gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs


gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs


I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him


Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.


[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet


If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.


I’m not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.


*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*


*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*