@beefman138
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
@MissSassy_Pants
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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@beefman138
@obviousplant_
Milk Cube
@peteholmes
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
@OnlyFastEddie
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
@Kryzazy
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
@Tmoney68
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
@StansaidAirport
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
@Artemis_Ascends
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
@bourgeoisalien
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
@omgthatspunny
