Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”


did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?


My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada


Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.


Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?


Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.


can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious