@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

You Might Also Like

@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@zachreinert03

I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

@Marlebean

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

@BlindChow

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

@KKAlThani

If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.

@lm_GrumpyCat

I’m not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*