@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

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@beefman138

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

@peteholmes

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

@Kryzazy

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

@Tmoney68

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

@StansaidAirport

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

@Artemis_Ascends

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

@bourgeoisalien

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious