Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
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People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
go easy on yourself <3
