Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

These dogs look like they have good credit.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job