me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.