me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
finally found a reasonable question
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]