Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back