Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.