Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
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It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Time heals everything 🙂
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
don’t be scared
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes