Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Duck typos.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.