Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

always be there

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*