Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
beware of dog
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
God has abandoned us.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.