Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.