Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
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Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Saturday
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.