Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice