me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
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Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Stop being racist to kettles.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Woke up against my better judgement again
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.