Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die