me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
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It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!