Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Poetry is my passion

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.