me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?