Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.