Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

feetloaf

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.