Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?