Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

🙁

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…