Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!