Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
You know…for fall…
