Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
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Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?
BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Your word: Spelunking
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans