@Tmoney68

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@squirrel74wkgn

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

@amishschool

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@LizHackett

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

@dumbbeezie

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

@Token_Geezer

The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans