Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
You Might Also Like
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.