Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 stages of a family vacation

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

yeah 😭

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.