Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Bill is short for Billiam
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
can I use a minion as a tampon
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now