Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
that lip filler tho
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Not all heroes wear capes…
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags