Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt