Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close