Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
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The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.