Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
✌🏽
