Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin