@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

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@Contwixt

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

@kimtopher22

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

@CYComedy

An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”

@ClichedOut

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

@Norsebysw

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

@mrjohndarby

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

@thatUPSdude

Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.

Sincerely;
Guys

@TwatWaffler69

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

@jellybnbonanza

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.