I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.