Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

the red hot silly peppers

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.