ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.