Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

listen closely

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma