Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

LOL

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Watson was Holmes schooled

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.