Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Tell me you get it…🤣

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it