Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.