Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!