Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
WTF IS THAT!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY