Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business