me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
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[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?