Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.