me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
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[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now