me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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me working on my assignments ^-^
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Good morning
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee