me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
got so much cardio in today
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.