Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.