ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.