Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there