Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”