Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Everyone’s family

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Raisins are grape jerky.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?